Buzz Beaches, blondes, burps & bumps
Filed Under Kitchen Curtain | Posted on March 17, 2008
It’s very good to see that Pink is still maintaining a nice, healthy lifestyle in the midst of her sad break-up. She’s obviously getting lots of sleep, lots of water, sprouts, bran and vitamins and hours and hours of mind-focusing meditation.
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Adam Sandler has a bit of Karate Kid going while filming Bedtime Stories in California. Owen Wilson is also on a beach, in Miami, making Marley %26amp; Me, which is that book about how a cutey dog changed someone’s life. I haven’t read it because someone said it made her cry and I don’t cry as a matter of principle.
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Just so we’re clear, by running this photo of Seal and his kids and the doggie- woggie with Owen Wilson, we have now fulfilled the cute-nice-sweet quota for 2008 and will no longer be required to sully ourselves with such matters?
AP Photo/Rob Griffith
Paul Stanley, put a shirt on and just say no to man boobs. No one wants to see that. Really. Honest. No joke.
LDPIMAGES, AP Photo/Jason DeCrow, AP Photo/Jason DeCrow, REUTERS/Mario AnzuoniTry as they may, Alice Cooper, Tom Hanks and Iggy Pop cannot possibly dream of ever looking as disgruntled as Julie Roberts. She’s in New York and while she’s there, she might want to look into playing Eliot Spitzer’s wife in the biopic.
AP Photo/Matt Sayles
Hi, it’s Paris. I need some help. I’m wearing bicycle gloves and I don’t know why. I didn’t get here on a bike and I’m not planning to get home on a bike. To tell you the truth I’m not entirely sure I would recognize a bike if I saw one.
AP Photo/Rick Rycroft, AP Photo/Ian West, AP Photo/Evan AgostiniHere’s an exclusive preview from my new book Celebrities as Mnemonic Devices. This is from the exciting chapter titled Linens. One quick look at Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jessica Alba and you immediately remember the need to buy new tea towels and bathroom curtains. The picture of Deborah Harry is not in the book, but it sure is a nice reminder that sometimes an ice-cold, dry Vodka Martini is the only way to go.
AP Photo/Jack Plunkett, AP Photo/Matt SaylesA reader asks: Are Moby and Rainn Wilson the same person? How would I know? It’s possible, I guess. Why do you care? Did you make a date with Moby and now you’re afraid Rainn will show up and not talk about veganism?
AP Photo/David M. Russell
Gene Simmons and Rachael Ray take part in an experiment into what happens when annoying people do annoying things. Next week: Bjork, Star Jones and that David Archuleta kid from Idol will trim their fingernails on public transit.
AP Photo/Jae C. Hong
Jim Sturgess and Kate Bosworth at the premiere of 21. He laughed at her outfit and she pretended she wore it as a joke. Then she cried herself to sleep in the bathroom.
REUTERS/Jessica Rinaldi, AP Photo/Ross D. FranklinEva Longoria has matured into an excellent clapper, she really has. She has ably mastered the serious, restrained I’m at a Hillary Clinton rally clap as well as the more frivolous Yay! I’m at my husband’s basketball game. Yah! clap.
AP Photo/Jae C. Hong
Robert Downey Jr. is awesome and the mere thought of Iron Man has me all aquiver. But! This Rasputin/Fat-George-Michael thing he was trying on at ShoWest is just bad. Also: Why is there moss growing on his collar?
AP Photo/Franka Bruns, AP Photo/Chris PizzelloI hope you realize that it physically hurts to write this but, all things taken into consideration, Pamela Anderson and Jenna Jameson both look kinda okay.
POP GOES THE WEEK
Disgraced and resigned New
York governor Eliot Spitzer’s
hooker expenses allegedly
reached $80,000 Or as Charlie
Sheen calls it: A fun afternoon.
Scarlett Johansson auctions a
date with herself in support of
Oxfam and someone pays
$40,000 Or as Eliot Spitzer calls
it: Half of what I spent to roll
around in the dirt with some call
girl while my wife was at home
with our three teenaged daughters.
Speaking of my daughters, I
wish they would someday become
five-diamond prostitutes.
That would be just swell.
The Mirror reports that Spice
Girl Geri Halliwell, while visiting
a hospital, sang to a coma patient
and the girl miraculously
woke up Now there is hope Halliwell
may provide the same service
to Mrs. Spitzer.
Britney is put on a $1,500 a
week allowance Taco Bell?
$4.35. Neon-pink tube top?
$7.99. Having $1,487.66 left over
for Starbucks? Priceless.
J.Lo asks People Magazine to
stop calling her J.Lo J.Lo doesn’t
like J.Lo because J.Lo sounds like
J.Lo and J.Lo is so yesterday
when she herself made up J.Lo
because she liked J.Lo.
Someone makes a call to
LAPD saying that Heather Locklear
is about to kill herself That
Billy Campbell, he’s always pretending
to be the nice guy, but
underneath it all . . .
Courtney Love claims she’s
the victim of identity theft And
yet, she remains just as incoherent
as she’s always been.
Sometime-musician Pete Doherty
is reportedly working on a
documentary about drug use
Asked why, he said that he really
likes using drugs.
George Clooney says that he’s
not engaged and that he’s not
gay He does, however, admit to
being a little bit country and a little
bit rock ‘n’ roll.
Super hero update 1) Bryan
Singer will return for a second go
at Superman. 2) Deadline Hollywood
reports Ed Norton is fighting
with Marvel and the director
over final cut of The Hulk. 3) Harry
Potter and the Deathly Hallows
will be divided into two films. 4)
The Speed Racer trailer is very
pretty. 5) Ryan Seacrest is dating
a tanning salon employee named
Holly Huddleston. Yeah, I know,
but there wasn’t really anywhere
else to put this item.
An Australian plastic surgeon
complains that Nicole Kidman
gives Botox a bad name As
frozen in time as she looks I’m
not sure anyone could further
smear a name that is in any way
related to or derived from, you
know, BOTULISM.
On a serious note: Please stop
puking This week’s ep of Jericho
had a character throw up to illustrate
emotional distress. This
follows vigorous upchucking, unrelated
to any apparent serious
stomach ailments, on C.S.I., The
Sopranos, 24, Weeds, Dexter, The
Wire, Lost and at the movies with
Brokeback Mountain just one example.
When Jill Clayburgh lost
her lunch on the street in an Unmarried
Woman it was kind of interesting.
Now unless the
character has eaten some bad
shrimp or is very intoxicated or
is Steve-O or is possessed by Satan
or just saw the Stride gum
commercial that was the last episode
of Smallville or is the wife
of Eliot Spitzer it is just icky.
Malene Arpe
UNCENSORED
We believe you.
Really. Please
don’t hurt usPeople think all I
do is go shopping
like a miserable
cow, but, in actual
fact, I work bloody
hard.
VICTORIA BECKHAM
How about
nauseating
districts of
pretension?You can create dark
neighbourhoods in
your mind as easily as
you can create rural
wonderlands.JOHN MAYER
Glum . . .I have this vague
feeling that the
moment I’m
comfortable with
my place in the
world there’ll be
retribution . . . I’m
no good as myself.
I don’t hugely like
me.HUGH LAURIE
and glummerI have panic
attacks where I
feel like everyone
is breathing my
air and I cannot
live up to
everybody’s
expectations and
I might just die
onstage..MADONNA
And, erm, dip
your umbrella
in salmonella?Make your
haters your
motivators.RIHANNA
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